Loud thoughts …

Zeina Abu Hamdan

15 years

Jerusalem

The moon was full, I was looking at it with a big smile but the weather was extremely cold that the thoughts which occurred to me were all about getting warm and cuddling in my warm bed.

I couldn’t sleep though, there was something magical about the moon, something that made me think, about myself, my friends, my goals my destiny even politics and Palestine. But then I found myself wondering about the reason that lies behind why a 15 year old girl would be thinking about all this stuff and even feel sorry about a great deal of them, maybe it's true that a 15 year old girl is young to others but I know that I'm only young compared to Palestinian children who face bombs and bullets everyday. And I know to be able to make a difference here in Palestine it should be those children whom I compare myself to, those children who really value their country, who were even grown ups before they were born and also have different concepts to each and every single word that represents a totally other meaning to others.

Responsibility:

The first thing that comes up to your mind is probably taking care of your younger brother when your mother is away or being home at time or any other thing. But to Palestinian children it really means the responsibly towards their country, they grow up with great enthusiasm to give everything they have to Palestine starting from playing to learning to working even friends and marriage. To meet with a child and hear him say: "I study because Palestine needs me," and a lot of sentences like these that would truly make you amazed by how much they know and how aware they are.

Child's reality:

A normal child's reality is to wake up, let mumy or dady drive him to school then at the end of a long day of playing and after a lot of activities come pick him up, then drive him to a birthday party or whatsoever.

A Palestinian child's reality is presented by waking up at 5:30 am to go to school that starts at 8:00 am wondering whether the checkpoint would be grumpy or just normal and what adventures he might go through just to get to school, then he comes back after a tiring day all alone to find his mother or father watching the news so he also becomes aware of how many children are killed and how many people fight that is of course if he wasn't living in the middle of this action, that's reality.

Happiness:

To a child living in a free country happiness remains in vacations or new presents or gifts but for a Palestinian child happiness lies in the simplest things and I think that the loss of a lot of things like parents and homes and country has made us more aware of what we have and also made us appreciate and value those things no matter how small they were. We become happy when we're able to do something we want or when seeing someone we couldn’t see for a long time and even getting presents not caring what they are but loving the idea that it's a present.

Hope:

Like any other child we'd always wish for a new birthday gift or hope that we'll like the gift we receive but we mainly hope that we'll soon live free like any other country and also posses the rights other kids have and not just believe they'll do us good and as we grow up we realize that we and our children share the same hopes and the child that still lives inside each grown up still has this hope, the hope to be able to walk in OUR country without being asked why.

Something else I'm trying to say is that we as Palestinians don’t really feel with each other and still we all have our own beliefs and hopes, even though people were created to be different but some of us don’t stop for a second to think of what they're doing, for with every second we nag about wanting new clothes for a birthday party there are other children closer to us than we can imagine only hope to find a new home before winter. And we should remember that when we're asked to stick together it's because we have one purpose which is to live till the day when Palestine is free and not because we're fighting over who's going to rule Palestine like nowadays. Today we hear that Palestinians are killed by Palestinians and it has been quite a while since we've heard about Israelis   killed instead. When Fateh kills people from Hamas and vice versa they don’t think of them as Palestinians they think of each others as enemies and by that we've made it easier to Israel to become 1000 steps closer to getting what it wants until when we suddenly find no one to defend Palestine since its people are busy killing each other or fighting about who rules. And the thing that bothers the most is that it's either said that they began first as if we are children or they hide behind the slogan "we're doing this for the people's good or Palestine's way to freedom," and since we have nothing to hold on to we believe and we suffer more and more.

Trying to solve all problems at the same time is not going to give any results, it'll mainly keep us behind and we have to arrange our priorities, fighting with each other shouldn’t be an option. We have to focus on each problem at a time starting with the most important ones.

I probably shouldn’t talk about that but atleast I'm aware that I could express whatever I want, those were just a 15 year old girl's thoughts and by expressing them I believe I'm already making a difference, for atleast I tried in my own way because I know if I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself then all the thinking was worthless and by sharing them with others it will give them a chance to think about what they wish to happen and try to make it true instead of just wishing.

Never be afraid of expressing what you want because like I'm given this chance to write and talk and be heard you could have it too, there's nothing wrong with being afraid and as Eddie Rickenbacker once said:" Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared."